The Jellyfish Season

Kathleen was emo before emo was cool. Seriously, 1985 and she’s giving stupid Hot Topic hoodrats a run for their money.

Kathleen, her parents, and her three younger sisters (Patsy, Mo, and Rosie) are forced to move from Baltimore to a dirty city on the Chesapeake after their dad loses his job. Nobody wants to go, especially not adamant Ginger Patsy, but Kathleen decides to ~set an example~ by not pushing the issue. Patsy rightfully calls her a pussy and continues throwing shitfits. Their dad is emotionally unavailable, their mom is a basket case, and it is quite sad to pretty much see my family life as a child play out in a novel. Emo sigh.

anyway, they get to aforementioned dirty Chesapeake city to live with their aunt, uncle, and slutty cousin whom Kathleen and Patsy have to share a room with. They are not pleased with this development, nor is Fay, the harlot in question. Evidently she has been a twatwaffle to the protagonists for their entire existence and Patsy is determined to wage war with her until they leave to go back to Baltimore (snort!) Kathleen just wants peace and quiet, while fourteen-year-old Fay just wants cigarettes. oh, and sex with her 20-year-old sailor boyfriend, Joe. yes, you read that right, and no, I did not make that up. even worse - she told him that she was eighteen. I certainly couldn’t pull off eighteen at fourteen. I could barely pull off eighteen at eighteen.

Fay swears Kathleen and Patsy to secrecy while not-so-secretly making out with him on the beach in front of Mo, who is at that beautiful age where questions are asked at the loudest possible volume, at the most inopportune times, and in front of the very worst people. anyway, Kathleen covers for Mo. Fay blames Kathleen for her almost getting busted. Fay is a bitch.

The girls just love Joe, and Joe just loves the girls. supposedly, they remind him of his sister back home. that isn’t creepy at all! but doing the hippity dippity with a fourteen-year-old is so nevermind. Kathleen’s dad does nothing but drink and smoke, her mom is getting crankier and sleeps all the time, and her aunt rides her ass. Kathleen is basically expected to do EVERYTHING for her sisters, and she’s just almost thirteen years old. what a load of horseshit; I would be emo as hell too. the girl can’t even take a shower without people being complete assholes to her.

one day, Fay feels like Joe is flirting with Kathleen, so she throws a shitfit of epic proportions and makes herself look like the child she is. nobody rats her out, but she certainly comes off like a toolshed. Kathleen continues to worry about her ever-so-reclusive mother and her impending thirteenth birthday. basically her dad ruins it because he’s in a bar and wishes her a happy birthday from a fucking pay phone while “looking for a job.”

anyway, a carnival is in town, and Kathleen, Patsy, her aunt and uncle, and Fay are all going. Fay will secretly be meeting up with Joe of course, because nothing can possibly go wrong when you’re in love at the age of fourteen.  Joe is dressed in fully Navy uniform and takes the girls to a ring toss, where Patsy wins a fish. She is excited, and Fay’s a bitch to her, so finally she outs her to Joe. He doesn’t particularly have time to react, because Fay’s dad notices him and threatens him with all kinds of good things, like violence and court-martials and blahhhhhblahblah. I’m all against pedophilia, but when a dumb bitch lies and tells someone that they are eighteen at the age of fourteen I’m less likely to believe it’s all the man’s fault. Joe walks off and gives Fay an emo look while she’s crying. Tear.

Fay goes into emo mode, and Kathleen and Patsy are sad that they won’t see Joe again. oh, but they do - on the beach. with another woman. oooooooops. Fay now knows she was a piece of tail and nothing more. so, like any reasonable person, she convinces Kathleen to go to a rough Navy bar to look for him. these girls are thirteen and fourteen, may I remind you. obviously they get picked up by the cops and driven to Fay’s, where they are read the riot act.  Fay gets pissed off at Kathleen and tells her that she is poor white trash and her mom’s pregnant. Kathleen tells her to go fuck herself basically and runs down the beach by herself. a while later, Patsy finds her, and Kathleen tells her what’s up. after a storm passes they go home and ignore their mother.

Kathleen and Fay make up, while her parents find a house in Dirty Chesapeake City  (against everyone’s wishes.) her mom admits that she’s knocked up and hopes for a boy. Kathleen just rolls her eyes and decides that this nonsense is her life, at least for the next five years.

Wait Till Helen Comes

Molly’s stepsister is a bitch.

she, her brother Michael, her mom, her stepfather, and her wicked stepsister Heather have all moved from Baltimore to a converted church-house in rural Maryland. There’s a graveyard on the property, which skeeves the bejesus out of Molly, but nobody else seems to give a crap. Heather, the seven-year-old manipulator from hell, is focused on splitting her dad and stepmother up because she doesn’t want her dad loving someone else more than her. creeeeeee-py.

Heather begins talking to someone in the graveyard, and Molly is convinced that it is a spirit or ghost or whatever. Everyone thinks she is bonkers, and Heather starts having these wacked out nightmares about her mother’s death in a fire - Molly gets blamed for putting notions of ghosts and shit in Heather’s head. Heather’s dad is a bit of a toolshed. anyway the graveyard’s caretaker tells the three kids to stay the hell away from Helen’s supposed grave, since it’s in a place where snakes like to hang out. everyone but Heather listens.

looking for Michael, Molly stumbles upon a pond behind the ruins of a house, and sees Heather talking to some bluish apparition thing. Molly begs her to come home and tells her Helen is not really her friend, but Helen has given her some ridiculous locket and voila - they are now BFF.

Michael and Molly go to the library in Holwell so that Michael can prove that Helen doesn’t exist. only she does, and her ~legend~ haunts their property and causes children to drown themselves in the pond.

side note: it is a pond. not an ocean, lake, river, etc. when I think pond, I think duck pond/not deep water. but I suppose ponds can be deep?

when they get home, their house has been trashed - but neither Heather nor the stepfather’s stuff has been touched. Molly sees Helen’s initials on the wall, but they quickly vanish. Heather laughs, and everyone else is tired and upset. Heather whines some more about not being paid attention to, but nobody gives a shit and  Heather is forced to call whine-one-one on her own.

despite everyone telling her  that the house and pond are dangerous, Heather the Putz keeps sneaking out to go see her lover Helen. Molly follows her and realizes Helen is trying to kill her obnoxious stepsister. instead of letting her do it and making Molly’s life infinitely easier, she throws the locket into the pond while Helen is trying to drown Heather. emo shenanigans ensue. a storm comes, Heather is pissed at Molly, and they take shelter in the ruins of Helen’s old house.

can we guess where this is going? obviously Heather has to stand in a corner facing a wall while Molly watches. wait, wrong story.

they fall through the floor into the cellar, where they are surrounded by the bones of Helen’s dead mother and stepfather. Helen and Heather are kindred spirits - both lost their mothers in fires that they started accidentally as children, and both fear that nobody will love them if anyone finds out what they did. however, Helen’s been dead for over a century so if her parents don’t forgive her they are assholes. anyway Molly and Heather kiss and make up after Molly calls her out on killing her mom, and suggests that she tell her dad. after being scared shitless that he will hate her, she does tell him, and he kills her with a shotgun at point blank range. just kidding. he forgives her, and they are one big barfy happy family.

moral of the story: a bitchy seven-year-old who has lost her mother probably killed her. take caution.

25

yes, I am 25 today. so aside from the feeling older than dirt and completely unaccomplished, I am just fifty shades of bummed out.

however, yesterday I ganked a good 75% of my childhood book collection from my mom’s house, so I will have plenty o’updates in coming days/weeks/whatever. yay.

Gordy might win, or As Ever, Gordy

Gordy can’t fucking win.

he comes to Grandville, overcomes ohsomuch adversity, and finally feels like he belongs, when all of a sudden, bam. Awesome McGrandma kicks the bucket, and it’s back to College Hill for June and him. Justifiably, he suffers a crazy panic attack at the thought of going back, and gets fifty shades of pissed at Donny for only caring about the massive inheritance. but it’s settled: June and Gordy are going to live with Stu, Barbara, and Barbara’s son Brent in a dinky apartment in good ol’ Maryland.

he has to deal with Lizard and Magpie being weird (they are fourteen-year-old girls; of course they are weird,) Brent is a two-year-old demon child, Stuart and Barbara are obsessed with school, and Gordy is fed up with everything again. he fights with Elizabeth’s boyfriend constantly, he has a super crush on her (the enemy!), and he has finally realized Toad and Doug are fucking morons who blame the stupid crap they do on him. All Barbara wants is a nice house for her family, and for everyone to get along. these are Smiths, honey, it’s not going to happen.

I do like when Gordy plants a big, fat kiss on Elizabeth and she socks him. fab-u-lous.

there is this old, crochety professor who has a big yard that all of the kids cut through on their sleds, and he gets ridiculously pissed off when they do it. of course, Gordy gets caught, and Barbara laughs and explains that they’ve been doing that since she was a girl. adults were children once? surely you jest. Elizabeth’s father, the sheriff if I recall, picks Gordy up and takes him home. what is hilarious is that Gordy thinks that Elizabeth’s whole family talks shit about him at the dinner table, and her father is like “no, we can’t get her to stfu about you, actually.” CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!

this is all out of order, I think, because I have had vino. some highlights:

- Gordy steals the Carousel soundtrack for Elizabeth and Margaret and they are honestly disgusted.

- Gordy asks Elizabeth to the Sweetheart Dance. she pretty much tells him to sit & spin.

-  at the dance, her boyfriend goads Gordy into a fight and then knocks the shit out of him. Elizabeth is totally not impressed and writes a letter to the principal explaining what happened, which (in a way) keeps Gordy out of more trouble

- Margaret is now eighty-three feet tall and frightening

- Brent calls Gordy “Yuncle Poopoo;” Elizabeth calls him “GAS”

- Gordy and William are still bffs and communicate through the mail

while Gordy is serving out his punishment for the professor, Elizabeth walks by,  and the creepy old fart whistles at her. grosssssssssss. but  Gordo runs after her, and they actually have a conversation not filled with insults. then he invites her to a movie and she says yes! wow! amazing! things are looking decent for him, and he’s run out of batshit/elderly relatives. he might actually be okay now.

suggestion:

I highly recommend that you buy/download the Looney Tunes Golden Collection DVDs.

if only to watch Duck Dodgers of the 24th and 1/2 Century over.. and over.. and over.

one big frowny pile of :( - or, Stepping on the Cracks

I finally found it. I am stuffed full of wine and turkey goodness and might just explode in a minute, too. therefore - this is quite abridged.

okay, backstory: this book, and the Gordy books take place in College Hill, Maryland, which is basically College Park in the 1940s. each of the books are set about a year apart, and Stepping on the Cracks is the first one.

we start on one of those fabulous Maryland days where it is hot and humid as fuck and most normal people are inside. but, it’s 1940-something and Margaret and her bff Elizabeth are outside playing an endless game of Monopoly.  they get bored and do the “stepping on a crack” thing, except they WANT to step on a crack to break Hitler’s back. Margaret waxes nostalgic about having her brother and Elizabeth’s brother off fighting, and explains the difference between a blue star (alive!) and a gold one (dead!)

the girls hate Gordy; Gordy hates the girls. he terrorizes them and calls them Lizard and Magpie, respectively, with his douchey friends Toad and Doug. Elizabeth is a spitfire, and Margaret is a pussy. that’s pretty much the basis of everything. to recap: Elizabeth is Jessica Wakefield. Margaret is Elizabeth Wakefield without the sainthood.

Margaret’s parents have paid no attention to her whatsoever since her brother, Jimmy, was deployed. Her dad sits in front of the TV/drinks all the time and her mom is in la la land. Margaret thinks that Jimmy will come home, and everything will be back to normal. I pity her.

Gordy terrorizes the girls again, and destroys their treehouse - Margaret is screaming bloody murder from  A TREE IN HER OWN YARD and her mother doesn’t hear her. Elizabeth vows revenge,  and follows the boys into the ~forbidden woods~ across the train tracks, where the crazy man lives.

Gordy and his butt buddies have built some ridiculous hut in there, and “play war.” They also do the guy thing and brag about how awesome their family members are, by comparing how many Nazis they have destroyed. oh, and gratuitous pinup girl references abound here, as well. the girls are found, the boys chase them, and Margaret sees the crazy man. but wait.. is he a crazy man?

we find out more about College Hill people: Donny and Stu, Gordy’s brothers who are off at war. Barbara, Stu’s good friend, who lost her husband in the war. Gordy does not like to discuss Stu. oh, for fuck’s sake. Stu is the crazy man. he deserted, and Gordy is hiding him in the woods to keep him safe from ABUSIVE BASTARD FATHER. Margaret and Elizabeth are the only people who know this outside of Gordy’s dopey buddies, so of course - they blackmail him with this scandalous information to get a new treehouse. priorities, ladies. priorities.

Stu gets sick, and Gordy freaks. the kids all take turns skipping school to help him, but there’s nothing they can do and he obviously needs medical attention. cue Barbara. let’s ask the lady whose husband was killed in the war to assist a deserter, shall we? but, she helps. she takes him to a doctor and lets him crash at her parents’ house while he recovers. meanwhile, Gordy is getting the shit knocked out of him at home,  and Stu is catching on (since Gordy hasn’t been to see him in a while.) Margaret kind of lets it slip - and idiot Stu decides to face his father, Skywalker-style.

in other news, Margaret’s brother is killed in action. she comes home from HELPING A DESERTER to her parents reading a telegram. I will admit, I cry like a baby every time I read this. she cries, the parents are numb, and it doesn’t really hit her that it’s real until Elizabeth and Gordy give her condolences. what’s that? a budding friendship with Gordy? hmm.

Stu goes home to face Darth Vader. I mean, his father. predictably, he gets the shit kicked out of him, to the point where he loses most of his hearing and the army finds out he deserted. Barbara rushes off to the hospital to see him, and Gordy thanks the girls for helping him. Margaret goes home, and her mother knows Stu deserted. uh… oh. she asks Margaret if she knew, and - like any dumb twelve-year-old girl would have done - she is indignant and proud of helping him. she goes so far as to say she wished her brother had deserted. incoming slap from Mom. so what if Stu is a special snowflake? every soldier is. and I hate war, especially the current one, but still.

Margaret and Elizabeth are both grounded for life. Gordy and his family move to North Carolina. Stu and Barbara get engaged. and Margaret has reached the special age where there is no black and white, it’s mostly gray and all confusing. (Following My Own Footsteps is the second one, by the way.)

being naive is fun! OR, The Wind Blows Backwards

This book seriously was like, written for me. I’m a nerdy English major-type and I had no experience with guys when I read it, so yeah. I really thought it was written for me. I’m an asshole like that. by the way, I am doing the majority of this from memory because the first 100 pages of this book are somewhere in a box at my mom’s house.

Lauren is a senior in high school. She is not particularly attractive, cool, or anything other than an English geek.  Her best friend, Casey, is a skankwhore. We know this because she’s had sex, she has red hair, and she smokes. Skank!  anyway Casey has been Lauren’s BFF since Spencer, the Royal Jock Prince of the Dickfaces, ditched her because she’s a goddamn nerd. She works in the library, for Christ’s sake, where she runs into Spencer and his toolshed girlfriend, Vanessa. he tries to make small talk with her, but she ignores him. because she is awesome so far.

Casey invites Lauren to a party, but she says no because it’s her mom’s birthday and she wants to take her out. Lauren’s mom is a skank, too, and has plans to go out with (yet another) random guy. So Lauren says fuck it, and goes to the party in the blouse she bought for her mom. Casey ends up dry-humping this dude in her goddamned Escort, so Lauren starts walking home.  I’m familiar with suburban Maryland, honey, don’t fucking walk home at night. Spencer to the rescue - he comes and gets her in his shiny BMW and takes her to McD’s. what a prince! Tallahassee Higgins would love you, Spence. they talk or whatever and form a relationship. HI, HE DITCHED YOU, SOMETHING’S UP. If I were Casey, I would bitchslap Lauren right about now.  anyway, Spencer is morphing into an emo kid. he dumps Vanessa and gets all moody and whiny with Lauren. they start dating while Casey is humping Jordan.

Lauren refuses to put out for him at first, because her mom got pregnant at 17 and Lauren is a judgmental prick sometimes. oh, did I mention that she has been basically in love with him since eighth grade? that’s goofy dedication right there. Anyway, Lauren becomes one of the idiot girls who turns into a ditz once they meet someone. oh, big plot point I almost forgot - Spencer is hiding his stupid motorcycle at Lauren’s apartment. He starts ignoring things he used to love (like track) and asks loaded questions in class. Lauren, blinded by love and STUPIDITY, thinks nothing of it other than his parents are putting pressure on him for college. Casey is basically like look, bitch, he needs help. for fuck’s sake, he’s disturbed - he talks about MARRYING HER IF SHE GOT PREGNANT. what kind of normal seventeen-or-eighteen-year-old-does that? obviously he’s messed up (just kidding.)  he simulates a suicide. not creepy at all!  he interprets a Robert Frost poem as having imagery about death. not difficult at all, but his English teacher is a toolshed. Spencer treats Lauren like shit. Casey AGAIN reminds her that the boy needs help. Spencer and Lauren kiss and make up. He puts on an act for his douchey jock friends, even though it’s bloody obvious that he’s a fucking basket case. His mom gives him shit for cutting school and he gives her shit right back because he’s obviously an emofag. Spencer and Lauren speed off on the Motorcycle of Doom and he talks more suicide. He finally tells her what’s up, that his dad blew his brains out in the basement and he is worried he’s going to do it himself. DING DING DING, INSTABILITY ALERT.. Lauren knows this but fucks him anyway, because nothing stabilizes a depressed person like fluctuating hormones.  oh, and reading from a favorite children’s book. wait that’s what I’m doing, nevermind. anyway, lots of vomit-inducing nonsense about love. hee, her mom catches them naked together! she gets all pissed and this does not go over well with either Spencer or Lauren. Spencer gets all emo, and Lauren launches an attack on her slut-mom about how she’s never around because she’s slutting it up, and she doesn’t care, and blahhhhhh. she goes on the pill and dodges all sex questions from Casey, who is one nosy little skank. Spencer freaks out and pulls ye olde “IF YOU STOP LOVING ME I’LL DIE” card, like all sane people do. oh, wait, nevermind, he’s off his fucking rocker. Lauren again reassures him he will never attempt suicide because she is a goddamned moron.

lots of funny between Lauren’s mom and Spencer’s mom involving puppets and a DAMN I’M GOOD! t-shirt. by the way, Spencer is rich and Lauren is poor, obviously. Lauren and Spencer (I feel so DIRTY typing this, like I’m betraying The Hills or something) decide to go on a motorcycle trip to California over the summer. Because they are eighteen and stupid. Anyway, they graduate. Yay! Time for a rich kid graduation party. They drink too much champagne, and Spencer’s mom gets p-i-s-s-e-d, because his bio-dad was an alcoholic when he shot himself. sooooooo mommy dearest doesn’t want to see it happen to Spencer. he flips out and TAKES OFF ON HIS MOTORCYCLE. just what geniuses do after they have been drinking. did I mention that he stole his parents’ car first and blew off Lauren completely? yes, not only is he an idiot, but a dickhead to boot!  Lauren goes into emo-mode.

Casey calls and tells Lauren that Spencer got into a wrestling match with a tree, and the tree won.  Lauren flips out some more and orders Casey to take her to the hospital, where he is in ICU and she can do jack shit. oh, the signs of a possible suicide attempt are in Lauren’s mind NOW, but where the fuck were they earlier, dopey? Lauren sits on the couch and waits for his parents, and his mom blames the whole thing on her because she’s not from a nice family. bitch, neither is Spencer, so Lauren tells her why he was pissed off in the first place. oh maybe it’s because YOU WON’T ADMIT THAT HIS FATHER KILLED HIMSELF, WENCH! however, yelling at Spencer’s mom has the opposite effect of what she intended and she collapses into an emo puddle. Spencer has a 50/50 shot of living. I have a 50/50 shot of killing Lauren if I ever meet her. Lauren’s mom comes to the hospital to convince her that food, showers, and sleep = good for the body and soul. so she takes her home, and Lauren realizes that Spencer wrote all kinds of nutty, suicidal poetry on her wall. again - how could you fuck someone for months and not know they are nuts? stupid, stupid girl. Lauren has a rage and throws shit all over the place. She goes back to the hospital, contemplating jumping off a bridge on the way there, where nothing changed. Lauren, by way of Spencer’s demon-mom, gets to see him in order to convince him she wasn’t on the Motorcycle of Doom. She has a heartfelt whinefest with Spencer’s mom and it seems that they will tolerate each other. Spencer tells her (gasp! shock! surprise!) that he was thinking suicide when he hit the tree. He’s in the hospital for months, talking about all kinds of fun shit like AIDS babies and the sort. Lauren calls him out on it. They get frisky and the nurse walks in. While relaying the story to Casey, Lauren asks if EmoBoyfriend can move in with them at UM-BC (the hell is wrong with College Park!) Casey says hell no. Spencer gets out of the hospital, and they let his father go once and for all. hooray! Lauren and Spencer are ~in love~. I’m sure that once Lauren discovers hot frat guys who play naked hacky sack in the elevator of Maryland apartments, that will end. Just sayin’.

the book I hid from my mom OR Forever

this is one of the books that my eighth-grade English teacher hid in the back and made your parents sign a release for you to read. however, my teacher (Mrs. Baltazar) was fucking amazing and said that I could read it because I could “handle it.” Handle it? Ooooh, this one had to be good. An aside: since I first read this, they’ve edited some of the more lolz-worthy parts of it to be more progressive for the 21st century.

so, like any good YA novel from my youth, this one starts off with an explanation of a smart fattie named Sybil who gets laid a lot. Sybil throws a party for New Year’s and invites her cousin, Erica, and our virginal protagonist, Katherine. Katherine meets Michael (a ginger!) at the party, who wipes fondue goo off of her face like any good man would. Michael has a girlfriend, or so it seems, and Erica totally calls Katherine out on wanting to get in his pants. The next day, Katherine grills fattieslut Sybil for information about her ginger lover Michael. Sexual innuendos abound! It’s revealed that Michael asked for Katherine’s phone number and she gets all antsy about it like a stupid bitch. Michael comes over to get his records that he conveniently left over at Sybil’s and asks Katherine out. Hooray for boring seventies teen crap!

Katherine and Michael “go out” and have some of the world’s most boring fucking conversation. Ginger Mike drops some ridiculously awkward sexual innuendos The day goes on and he ASKS if he can kiss her. Awwwww how sweet. I might vomit. So he kisses her and tells her she’s delicious. She creams her panties and that’s that. She goes home and we meet her brainiac sister, Jamie, who calls her out on not knowing what “love” is. Katherine in essence tells her to mind her own fucking business. Uh oh, looks like Katherine broke up with someone because he wanted her to put out!

Ginger Mike calls and makes this really gross comparison between his schnauzer and a teenage girl. Seriously, awkward. He flirts with K some more and drops MORE retardo sexual innuendos and then asks her out again. He swings by her house on Friday and meets her whole family. okay, wow, my boyfriend of four years has only hung out with my ENTIRE family once, and it was a disaster involving beer spillage on my dad and my brother’s drunken (now ex) girlfriend. I give Ginger Mike some props here. Jamie shows off unintentionally and K gets jealous. Um, hi, Katherine, the girl is like twelve. Shut it. They go on their lame-o date and end up making out in K’s living room. He gets frisky and she says noooooooooo. Then she has some sort of epiphany that she sort of, kind of, but not really wants him to do her. Ah, I don’t miss being at that age at all.

Katherine’s grandma is an activist who is totally involved with Planned Parenthood. In the 1970s. How fucking cool is that?

Katherine, Erica, Ginger Mike, and Ginger Mike’s hetero(?) lifemate Artie all have some sort of double date game night. They send the two other people out for pizza and get it on without penetration (to GM’s dismay,) although there is definite boob-touchage! This was total wank material when I was fourteen. Ginger Mike takes a breather, collects Artie, and leaves. Katherine and Erica have a mind-numbing conversation about love vs. sex and how the two are/are not mutually exclusive. It’s a precursor to Caitlin and Vix from Summer Sisters, methinks.

… incredibly pointless plot-thickening family crap here… oh, and K is in love.

Katherine babysits Jamie. Michael comes over. They have this ridiculous soap-and-water fight while doing the dishes. He shampoos her hair and then stares at her while she changes her shirt, copping a feel from behind. I love this guy, he’s fucking slick. He also comes up with a line I’ve remembered for 11 years now: soft mattresses suck for sex. Jamie comes in after he leaves and asks if they were fucking. Katherine gets bent out of shape and it’s hilarious.

Erica and Artie are totally going nowhere and she is determined to give him a boner if it’s the last thing she does. They go see the school play, and Artie is fucking fab-u-lous. They go to a party at the Elizabeth’s (the girl Michael made out with at Sybil’s party, what the hell?) and Michael pretty much ignores Katherine. It’s quite hilarious. Katherine acts like a total bitch, Michael tries to get in her pants and fails again, and she thinks too damn much about the whole situation.

Ginger Mike invites K to go skiing with his sister and brother-in-law. The helllllll? My parents would react like hers and probably laugh at me. hell to the fuck no. but by the grace of god, she somehow gets to go. Of course, before she goes, her daddy gives her the obligatory embarrassing-dad-sex-talk.

Off to ski-land they go! However, all sexings of the penetrable kind are thwarted because Omega Red showed up a week early. After describing THE most hideous nightgown I’ve ever imagined, Katherine goes into Michael’s room and they dry hump. The next morning, Ginger Mike’s sister reads Katherine the riot act and is like RAWR DO NOT HURT MY BROTHER. Calm down, dingbat. Katherine and Michael go skiing and she busts ass off a ski lift. Been there, done that. They go home, Katherine takes a hot bath and a nap. Ginger Mike wakes her up for din din and then they go for a walk.. coming back to his sister and brother-in-law smoking pot! ooh, wow. then it’s time for a quick handjob before bed - btw, Ginger Mike named his junk “Ralph.” Good to know. And now they’re in love! Forever!

Katherine’s dad expected them to break up while in Vermont. What a dumbass. Erica and Artie still haven’t gotten it on. Ginger Mike goes skiing for ten whole days without Katherine because he’s working towards being a ski instructor, and the bitch mopes around the house the whole time. He comes back early, Katherine cracks a horrible joke about VD and he gets pissed because he’s had it before. GOOD ONE, DUMBASS. obviously this leads to some finger play and it is scandalous. the next night is !!! THE NIGHT !!! except for that pesky premature ejaculation. so they go out for a while and try again - Katherine is totally not impressed with her first time.

Katherine and Erica go to NYC to see “the new Robert Redford picture.” That could be anything, so whatever. she calls up her grandma in NYC and makes lunch plans with her and conveniently stops at Planned Parenthood to get OMGTHEPILL. she takes a gonorrhea culture and says she couldn’t possibly have a VD. have you had sex? yes? then shut up. she goes home to Jersey and Michael’s got the flu. hey, so does she in a couple of days. better than gonorrhea, in my opinion. he brings her this cheesy ass locked that has her name on one side and “.. forever, Michael” on the other. oh, vomit. how many high school romances last? seriously? 1 in 100? for fuck’s sake. she cries like a baby. they go to his house and hump like rabbits on Friday.

Jamie is “in love” and Sybil is knocked up. Sybil has NO CLUE who the father is. it’s a fattieslut stereotype that has transcended the ages, I swear. The kids get their acceptance letters to various good colleges (of course!) Katherine’s dad drops a bomb that she made a promise to have her be a tennis instructor at Jamie’s camp all summer ! Gasp! Weeks away from Ginger Mike’s peen! anyway now she has to tell him. they throw a graduation party, and Artie acts like a fucking emo putz. oh hey guess what, it doesn’t matter that Katherine will be at camp in New Hampshire all summer, because Michael will be in North Carolina! wow what a coincidence. and oh, there’s a bit of impotence here too. poor Michael just can’t get Ralph up. Artie and Erica break up because he is a psycho. he locked himself in the bathroom and threatened suicide. then, he actually ATTEMPTS suicide and is promptly thrown in the nut hut. everyone blames themselves because they’re angsty teenage idiots. everyone gets drunk and stupid, and Katherine’s parents save the day (this is when Jersey kids could drive into New York to drink! my mom told me about those good old days..)

they skip prom and graduate. YAWN. Sybil has a daughter that she puts up for adoption. like a true fattieslut, she vows to not give up sex but to go on better birth control. Katherine and Michael do it with her on top. Rebellious! then they do it on the beach. Scandalous!

Katherine leaves for camp and is diligent about writing Michael and Erica because she is a boring, boring person. But I’ll give her credit for falling for Theo, a hot dude who’s a senior at Northwestern. Her grandpa dies and she projects her total batshit onto Theo, who rejects her. Anyway Michael comes up from wherever the hell he is (who cares?) and he tries to get in her pants but she’s like OH WAIT I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE. so, like a mature person, he screams at her and claims that he’s fucked his way around the great state of North Carolina. beautiful! anyway he’s batshit and a ginger, so he never mattered in the first place. yay Theo! she sees Michael one more time and it’s kind of surreal. FORGET ABOUT HIM. jesus christ. first loves suck, I know this firsthand.

Gordy is a badass OR Following My Own Footsteps

my copy of the prequel to this book, Stepping on the Cracks, is worn into pieces and I can’t find it in my new apartment. it’s sad, because it’s absolutely amazingly awesome - probably one of my all-time favorite books ever. I love MDH and she never disappoints.

so, we pick up with Gordy’s story where Stepping on the Cracks left off. he’s leaving College Park, I mean - College Hill, Maryland to go to North Carolina. His family is escaping his abusive bastard dickweed of a father.  So it’s him, his sister June, his little brothers Ernie, Bobby, and Victor, and his crazybitch mom who still wants to be with abusive bastard dickweed. WHYWHYWHY. anyway, he also has two older brothers - Donny, who’s off fighting the Nazis and Stuart, who deserted (BIG BIG BIG PART OF THE PREQUEL.) they all finally get on the train, and seeing as how they are poor, shabby, and smell like baby poo, people are put off by them. Also, June decides to tell some bitchy old lady that her pops is in the pokey, so that didn’t go over too well either. Finally, they arrive in Grandville, NC, which June thinks is named after their grandmother. Poor June. So adorable, yet so abused. Endearing, in an obnoxious sort of way! However, when they meet up with Grandma, she’s described as somewhat like the Wicked Stepmother in Disney’s Cinderella. A total hag, for lack of a better term. Gordy hates her and disrespects her on the spot because she scoffs at their appearance. Well, you look like shit and it’s your mom’s fault. Deal with it. It turns out that Grandma’s loaded, and Gordy gets fucking PISSED that crazybitch mom didn’t come down here to escape from abusive bastard dickweed earlier. He snaps at Jun, and she cries. Basically, that happens all the time because she’s like a wounded kitten. June puts on a show for Grandma, smiling until her damn face cracks, but Grandma doesn’t care. Mine wouldn’t either, she’d just call me fat and then tell me if I didn’t finish my plate of food that I was going to hell. Gordy thinks they’re even more out of place here than in  College Park (I mean Hill! damn you, UMD!) and he’s pretty much right.

Grandma cooks a big fancy dinner and chaos ensues because oh noes, Grandma calls Gordy out on being a liar! He says Stuart didn’t desert, but she’s not an idiot. Everyone knows he deserted, and everyone knows abusive bastard dickweed knocked him six ways from Sunday. Just give it up! He tries to be a badass, but nobody pays attention because the radio was on. The wahhhhhmbulance comes and takes him away to bed. Just kidding. Sort of. He listens to Grandma and crazybitch mom arguing about her being a sad sack of potatoes who actually misses her goddamned abusive bastard dickweed husband. Grandma calls her out and tells her - seriously - that she “made her bed, now lie in it - if you can find room.” Awesome! I love Grandma. Now June is upset because everyone is fighting, just like they did when ABD (it is getting annoying to type that out) was around. Gordy lets her sleep in his room for the night.

Grandma makes the kids buy presentable clothing and get haircuts, but CBM stays behind because, well, she’s crazybitch mom. Gordy notices the kid next door spying on him, so he flips him the bird like any normal child would do. Grandma informs him that the kid has polio (that is seriously as bad in the 40s as saying a kid has bacterial meningitis now) and Gordy gets an unhealthy obsession with him. Then Grandma shuts everyone up by mentioning school. CBM gets even more catatonic/depressed. Seriously, reading this book will help you to understand that Tom Cruise is batshit insane and needs to sit the fuck down.

Gordy, super underachiever, starts at his new school and immediately is a toolshed. He makes an enemy with this stupid chunkhead named Jerry Langerman who calls him - I shit you not - a damn Yankee. did they not realize that the Civil War had been over for almost 100 years in North Carolina? did they miss the fucking memo? the South lost the war! and I’m from Texas, so shut up. so they fight like only stupid sixth-graders can, and Gordy gets in trouble for making fun of the South! come on now. he gets wacked with a ruler. yawn! that’s nothing to Gordy Smith. the principal calls Grandma, who’s pretty pissed off at the situation. She thinks he’s just not trying. Well, no shit, Sherlock. Grandma unintentionally insults June and pisses off Gordy by asking him to do homework. how dare she act as a mother figure to someone who’s never had one!

oh, this is fabulous - family reunion part one! all of Grandma/CBM’s dearest and most random family come over to see them. the kids are dressed in their Sunday best while CBM looks like she rolled in a pile of pig shit and threw some grease on for good measure.  June is a hit, as she should be, because she is too fucking cute for words. The other kids are un-housebroken idiots who deserve a good smack. Gordy’s fine until some distant relative that should have been dead twenty years ago insults CBM, and he tells her off. Okay, I am all for respecting your elders. I was raised in a household where you do NOT disagree with your grandparents outwardly, etc. however, haven’t we all wanted to tell off some asshole member of our extended family who crossed the line? go Gordy! of course, like I would have, he takes off running because he knowwwwwws he’s in for some trouble. and trouble he gets. he gets into a fight with that Langerman jackass and cusses out the cripple next door. The cripple rightly calls him a moron, and June tells Gordy he’s got at least two apology notes to write. Gordy pretty much says fuck that. Grandma comes in while he’s pretending to be asleep and, instead of beating the snot out of him like ABD would have, talks to him. a novel concept, more people should definitely try it.

anyway, the cripple next door is named William and he’s a pretty cool kid. he wants to be Gordy’s friend, but his mom is a total nervous wreck of a bitch and cuts their visits short. William hates Langerman too! good for him. Anyway, Grandma makes Gordy write his bitch relative an apology note and he does - Claudia Kishi-style. that doesn’t fly with Grandma so he has to rewrite it. CBM sinks deeper into her delusions after getting a letter from ABD, saying that he’s got a job in California. yeah the stupid, stupid bitch didn’t press charges after he knocked Stuart unconscious and came after her. beautiful.

William and Gordy hang out. His father died in the war, and it makes Gordy think of Donny. they quickly become bff and it’s cute. but uh oh! his mom hates Gordy. can’t imagine why.. oh, right, because he cussed out William - loudly - in front of the whole neighborhood? that could do it. during one of their bff moments, someone busted in and said FDR died. that is sad, especially for William since you know, polio and all. Everyone is crying and sappy and ugh. Grandma and CBM get into a huge fight over FDR, because crazybitch mom and ABD don’t agree with New Deal policies. I told you - batshit insane. the fight goes on and CBM is like “well fuck you, ABD is coming back to get us and take us to California! he’s not drinking anymore! he’s not abusive! I’m a cliche!” Grandma threatens to shoot him. I love Grandma!

William worries about polio killing him, and Gordy worries about ABD. He talks to CBM about him and she gets uber-defensive. He reminds her oh-so-kindly that he BEAT THE SHIT out of the whole family, and she denies it. wtf!?! she goes into a trance when she talks about him  and frankly, it’s frightening. Gordy calls her stupid, so she slaps him. great parenting!  CBM ignores the sane members of the household and focuses on brainwashing the youngest two or three kids.  because she is a crazoid. she talks to the (younger) kids about ABD and makes him out to be some sort of superhero. even June falls for this bullshit! god, I hate CBM. Gordy overhears Grandma reading Heidi to June, and gets the most retarded-yet-endearing idea ever: hey! maybe William can walk! William politely disagrees at first, because he’s not an idiot. Gordy keeps on pestering him about it, and William is like shut up, douchebag, I can’t walk. They are distracted by the end of the war in Europe. yay, V-E Day! Gordy shows some lovely bloodlust here, it’s faboo. the younger kids don’t really remember life before the war or weren’t born yet, so Hitler is sort of like Freddy Krueger to them. is he real? is he dead? is he really dead? they remember the people who died in the war (William’s dad; people Gordy knew in not-College-Park) and then Gordy gets pissed that Donny might be sent to Japan. hey, Donny, say hi to my grandpa!

Gordy badgers William about walking againnnnnnn. ugh, shut up about it already! oh but this time he convinces William it’s a good idea. YOU. ARE. STUPID. anyway Gordy takes him to a park and pushes his wheelchair down a fucking hill. William shows signs of doubt. seriously, when Gordy tries to help him out of the wheelchair, the thing falls over and William falls out. starting to get an inkling that this is a bad idea, kids? long, sad story short, William can’t fucking walk and Gordy is a douchebag. Grandma and William’s mom show up right in the middle of William freaking the hell out and Gordy knows he’s dead.  side-note: Gordy wants to hit William, but doesn’t. this is important.

Grandma talks to Gordy, asks him what the hell he thought he was doing, and tells him just to leave William alone. She also tells him that William’s mother is overprotective and that she pretty much just thinks Gordy made an honest mistake. I LOVE GRANDMA. Gordy lost his bff and it’s very sad. but then - Donny comes home! only it’s not Donny, it’s a changed Donny who, you know, has seen dead people and body parts in places where body parts should not be. this scares Gordy shitless, after it pisses him off. all Donny wants to do is drink and sleep. oh, and Daddy is on his way, according to June.  great! ABD makes everything so fun. Gordy and Donny sit outside talking shit about CBM and discussing the war.

ABD has finally arrived.. in the middle of the night. Gordy is the only one who sees he and CBM basically fuck in the car. when he comes down for  breakfast the next morning, it’s like one big crappy family. ABD feeds lines of bullshit to the kids like cocaine to Lindsay Lohan, and like her, they all just gobble it up. he plays this nice guy pretty well for like, a few hours. Gordy refuses a gift from his ABD and it passes nicely. Gordy runs off to tell Donny the awesome news about ABD being in town. Donny pretty much just rolls his eyes and thinks of his whole family as batshit. He’s basically right.

Dinnertime! ABD starts off nicely by dissing Stuart. Not getting the standing ovation that he thinks he deserves, ABD throws more insults in Stu’s direction until Donny shuts him up. Grandma asks - nicely! - for ABD to put out his goddamned cigarette at the table because it’s disgusting, and he gets mad. so Grandma does the awesome thing and throws it in a pan of water, then out into the yard. you just knowwwwww that ABD is going to explode here in a minute, and it happens when June knocks over her milk. HE KNUCKLES HER IN THE HEAD. HELLO. DIE. everyone screams, cries, cusses, oh it’s like my family Thanksgivings. CBM blames Grandma; everyone else blames ABD. Donny just up and leaves the table. Gordy is just done with all of this bullshit and decides to hell with these people. go Gordy! he goes searching in ABD’s truck for liquor, and he gets caught (after he snags some Camels - hee!) ABD pops him pretty good, and June finds out. he has also been a complete asshole to June, so he is even more on my shit list.

The next day, June and Gordy decide that they are not going to California and they are staying with Grandma. ABD throws a fit and disowns them, but they stay strong. CBM seems not to care and says some horrible things about Gordy. man, she’s a bitch. Gordy gets pissy because he thinks Grandma loves June more than him, but she sets him straight. I love Grandma! and it’s V-J Day! while Grandma boohoohoos over dropping the a-bomb, Gordy, June, and Donny celebrate with firepower!

Gordy confesses to Grandma that he wanted to hit William that day that he stupidly tried to force him to walk. Grandma explains to him that it’s our actions, not our thoughts, that make us who we are - and he didn’t hit William, did he? that alone makes him stronger than ABD. I.LOVE.GRANDMA! Grandma tells Gordy that Langerman did some stupid shit and is reform school. Aw, things are looking up for Gordy! and look! William’s back and can walk with crutches! miracles, I tell you. goddamned miracles. William’s mother is actually cordial to Gordy and, for once, Gordy found a place he can call home. awwwwwwwwwwww. until the sequel to this one.