School has decided to sufficiently kick my ass, so sorry about ye olde lack of updates. I swear I’ll finish up at least Doll in the Garden before jumping off a bridge.

Tallahassee Higgins

This poor child is a ginger, her name is Tallahassee, her mom is a complete nutbar, and she’s being uprooted from crappy Florida to crappy suburban Maryland in the middle of winter.

Her ditzy mom has decided that, since she is 29, she’s losing her looks and has to get to Hollywood NOW NOW NOW to make it big. She’s dating some lecherous fucktard who enables this belief. Tallahassee’s not buying it. They don’t care, and ship her off to her aunt and uncle in the PGC.

When she gets to Maryland, she immediately loves her uncle and thinks her aunt is a nightmare bitch. Because the aunt’s name is Thelma, I for some reason have always pictured her as Aunt Selma from the Simpsons, and it cracks me up every time. Anyway she sleeps in her mom’s childhood room and discovers her mom was the dumb girl who drew horses as a kid.

Tallahassee meets a girl named Jane who lives behind her, and they become bff. Jane tells her that Tallahassee’s mom and her mom were good friends back in the day, but drifted apart for some reason when they were in high school. Tallahassee lies to all of the girls in her class about her mom being in a movie with Richard Gere (As the Gerbil Climbs?) because she figures she’ll only be in Maryland for a couple of weeks before Liz sends for her.

She clashes with Thelma over everything from clothes to bedtime to the goddamn dog, and decides she’s going to run away to California. Oh, but she’s learning so much in Maryland, such as it’s quite possible that Jane’s mom and her mom drifted apart due to Tallahassee’s mom stealing a certain ginger boyfriend from her. The more Tallahassee learns about Johnny, the boyfriend in question, the more she wants to know. Unfortunately, he was killed in Vietnam and his mother seems to have never gotten over it, according to Thelma.

That doesn’t faze Tallahassee. She goes over to Johnny’s mom’s house to play with the dogs and show off her l33t gymnastics skills (apparently Johnny was a gymnast.) More fighting with Thelma and Tallahassee, and Jane’s mom is a total cunt to her. By now, the girls at school have figured out that she is full of shit, and her mom has disappeared from her job in California. Things are looking pretty shitty, so Tallahassee makes one final plea to Johnny’s mom – who doesn’t want her either.

She runs away. On a bus.

Of course, she’s caught quickly, and Thelma comes to get her. Blow-out fight, woooooooooo! It ends with Thelma busting her ass in a parking lot, and Tallahassee helping her up. They go to Mickey D’s and work shit out. Thelma even admits Johnny is probably her father, though she doubts Tallahassee’s mom knows.

Her mom shows up on the doorstep of Thelma’s house, just to say hi before leaving for New York. It finally dawns on Tallahassee that her mom sucks, and she tells her so. At least she gets a straight answer that yes, Johnny’s her father, and yes, she stole him from Jane’s mom. The self-centered bitch at least sheds a tear when her daughter lets her know that Johnny’s dead. Now that she has roots, friends, and family in Maryland, she doesn’t feel so terrible. Nobody really gives a rat’s ass what happens to her mom, either, and Thelma just kind of rolls her eyes when Tallahassee tells her what happened.

Daphne’s Book

Picture it. Suburban Maryland, 1980-something. A doofy seventh-grader on the fringes of popularity has the worst day of her life and gets stuck with a total dingus as a partner for a huge English project. She comes to realize that her partner is actually pretty cool, but is grossly neglected and facing abuse at home. After promising not to tell, she tells her mom, and the partner/her sister are thrown into an orphanage. Happy ending?

Sophia Petrillo couldn’t make this shit up.

Jessica, a sort-of nerd who’s bffs with a popular girl, gets stuck with Daphne for a creative writing project. Jess = the best writer in the class; Daphne = best artist in the class. Apparently Daphne is Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club minus the dandruff. They work on their story by playing with mice and Daphne’s sister, Hope, but Jessica is concerned that they are being abused and/or neglected at home by Psycho Grandma.

Yes, Psycho Grandma truly believes that Dead Father is coming home from Vietnam. It’s pretty freaking sad.

Anyway, Daphne flips her nonsense on Jessica because she has no spine and just sits there when her “friends” rip on Daphne. After a while, D decides to drop out of school at the tender age of 12? 13? because Psycho Grandma says she’s “too smart!” to go, according to Hope. Unfortunately, this information is revealed in a Mickey D’s bathroom where the Plastics are playing with makeup. I can only imagine a soundtrack involving Good Charlotte and Jimmie’s Chicken Shack at this point, with some SR-71 thrown in for good measure.

Daphne is actually dropping out to take care of Hope, because Grandma has lost her ever loving mind. Things get very tense/stressful, and Grandma flips her shit at the local food mart (Giant?) over some pickles and/or peanut butter – Daphne has only collected enough bottles to pay for one. No, I am not making this up; yes, this is heartbreaking.

Daphne makes Jessica promise not to tell anyone about what’s going on, but she talks to her brother and he pretty much tells her if she cares about Daphne at all to do something. So, Jessica tells her mom and shit hits the fan. Grandma goes into the hospital, Daphne and Hope are placed in a maximum security orphanarium, Adlai gives them surgery to make them adequate.. wait, Futurama tangent, sorry. Actually, their orphanage is quite pleasant. Jessica and Daphne win first place in the writing contest. Grandma dies. Hope & Daphne go live with relatives.

This is why I love MDH. Is it really a happy ending, or is it a Gordy happy ending?

derp derp

nobody really even reads this, which is fantastic, but I found a veritable shit ton of books at my mom’s that I am going to pass on over to people who are a lot better than me at this (besides my MDH books, obviously.)

The Jellyfish Season

Kathleen was emo before emo was cool. Seriously, 1985 and she’s giving stupid Hot Topic hoodrats a run for their money.

Kathleen, her parents, and her three younger sisters (Patsy, Mo, and Rosie) are forced to move from Baltimore to a dirty city on the Chesapeake after their dad loses his job. Nobody wants to go, especially not adamant Ginger Patsy, but Kathleen decides to ~set an example~ by not pushing the issue. Patsy rightfully calls her a pussy and continues throwing shitfits. Their dad is emotionally unavailable, their mom is a basket case, and it is quite sad to pretty much see my family life as a child play out in a novel. Emo sigh.

anyway, they get to aforementioned dirty Chesapeake city to live with their aunt, uncle, and slutty cousin whom Kathleen and Patsy have to share a room with. They are not pleased with this development, nor is Fay, the harlot in question. Evidently she has been a twatwaffle to the protagonists for their entire existence and Patsy is determined to wage war with her until they leave to go back to Baltimore (snort!) Kathleen just wants peace and quiet, while fourteen-year-old Fay just wants cigarettes. oh, and sex with her 20-year-old sailor boyfriend, Joe. yes, you read that right, and no, I did not make that up. even worse – she told him that she was eighteen. I certainly couldn’t pull off eighteen at fourteen. I could barely pull off eighteen at eighteen.

Fay swears Kathleen and Patsy to secrecy while not-so-secretly making out with him on the beach in front of Mo, who is at that beautiful age where questions are asked at the loudest possible volume, at the most inopportune times, and in front of the very worst people. anyway, Kathleen covers for Mo. Fay blames Kathleen for her almost getting busted. Fay is a bitch.

The girls just love Joe, and Joe just loves the girls. supposedly, they remind him of his sister back home. that isn’t creepy at all! but doing the hippity dippity with a fourteen-year-old is so nevermind. Kathleen’s dad does nothing but drink and smoke, her mom is getting crankier and sleeps all the time, and her aunt rides her ass. Kathleen is basically expected to do EVERYTHING for her sisters, and she’s just almost thirteen years old. what a load of horseshit; I would be emo as hell too. the girl can’t even take a shower without people being complete assholes to her.

one day, Fay feels like Joe is flirting with Kathleen, so she throws a shitfit of epic proportions and makes herself look like the child she is. nobody rats her out, but she certainly comes off like a toolshed. Kathleen continues to worry about her ever-so-reclusive mother and her impending thirteenth birthday. basically her dad ruins it because he’s in a bar and wishes her a happy birthday from a fucking pay phone while “looking for a job.”

anyway, a carnival is in town, and Kathleen, Patsy, her aunt and uncle, and Fay are all going. Fay will secretly be meeting up with Joe of course, because nothing can possibly go wrong when you’re in love at the age of fourteen.  Joe is dressed in fully Navy uniform and takes the girls to a ring toss, where Patsy wins a fish. She is excited, and Fay’s a bitch to her, so finally she outs her to Joe. He doesn’t particularly have time to react, because Fay’s dad notices him and threatens him with all kinds of good things, like violence and court-martials and blahhhhhblahblah. I’m all against pedophilia, but when a dumb bitch lies and tells someone that they are eighteen at the age of fourteen I’m less likely to believe it’s all the man’s fault. Joe walks off and gives Fay an emo look while she’s crying. Tear.

Fay goes into emo mode, and Kathleen and Patsy are sad that they won’t see Joe again. oh, but they do – on the beach. with another woman. oooooooops. Fay now knows she was a piece of tail and nothing more. so, like any reasonable person, she convinces Kathleen to go to a rough Navy bar to look for him. these girls are thirteen and fourteen, may I remind you. obviously they get picked up by the cops and driven to Fay’s, where they are read the riot act.  Fay gets pissed off at Kathleen and tells her that she is poor white trash and her mom’s pregnant. Kathleen tells her to go fuck herself basically and runs down the beach by herself. a while later, Patsy finds her, and Kathleen tells her what’s up. after a storm passes they go home and ignore their mother.

Kathleen and Fay make up, while her parents find a house in Dirty Chesapeake City  (against everyone’s wishes.) her mom admits that she’s knocked up and hopes for a boy. Kathleen just rolls her eyes and decides that this nonsense is her life, at least for the next five years.

Wait Till Helen Comes

Molly’s stepsister is a bitch.

she, her brother Michael, her mom, her stepfather, and her wicked stepsister Heather have all moved from Baltimore to a converted church-house in rural Maryland. There’s a graveyard on the property, which skeeves the bejesus out of Molly, but nobody else seems to give a crap. Heather, the seven-year-old manipulator from hell, is focused on splitting her dad and stepmother up because she doesn’t want her dad loving someone else more than her. creeeeeee-py.

Heather begins talking to someone in the graveyard, and Molly is convinced that it is a spirit or ghost or whatever. Everyone thinks she is bonkers, and Heather starts having these wacked out nightmares about her mother’s death in a fire – Molly gets blamed for putting notions of ghosts and shit in Heather’s head. Heather’s dad is a bit of a toolshed. anyway the graveyard’s caretaker tells the three kids to stay the hell away from Helen’s supposed grave, since it’s in a place where snakes like to hang out. everyone but Heather listens.

looking for Michael, Molly stumbles upon a pond behind the ruins of a house, and sees Heather talking to some bluish apparition thing. Molly begs her to come home and tells her Helen is not really her friend, but Helen has given her some ridiculous locket and voila – they are now BFF.

Michael and Molly go to the library in Holwell so that Michael can prove that Helen doesn’t exist. only she does, and her ~legend~ haunts their property and causes children to drown themselves in the pond.

side note: it is a pond. not an ocean, lake, river, etc. when I think pond, I think duck pond/not deep water. but I suppose ponds can be deep?

when they get home, their house has been trashed – but neither Heather nor the stepfather’s stuff has been touched. Molly sees Helen’s initials on the wall, but they quickly vanish. Heather laughs, and everyone else is tired and upset. Heather whines some more about not being paid attention to, but nobody gives a shit and  Heather is forced to call whine-one-one on her own.

despite everyone telling her  that the house and pond are dangerous, Heather the Putz keeps sneaking out to go see her lover Helen. Molly follows her and realizes Helen is trying to kill her obnoxious stepsister. instead of letting her do it and making Molly’s life infinitely easier, she throws the locket into the pond while Helen is trying to drown Heather. emo shenanigans ensue. a storm comes, Heather is pissed at Molly, and they take shelter in the ruins of Helen’s old house.

can we guess where this is going? obviously Heather has to stand in a corner facing a wall while Molly watches. wait, wrong story.

they fall through the floor into the cellar, where they are surrounded by the bones of Helen’s dead mother and stepfather. Helen and Heather are kindred spirits – both lost their mothers in fires that they started accidentally as children, and both fear that nobody will love them if anyone finds out what they did. however, Helen’s been dead for over a century so if her parents don’t forgive her they are assholes. anyway Molly and Heather kiss and make up after Molly calls her out on killing her mom, and suggests that she tell her dad. after being scared shitless that he will hate her, she does tell him, and he kills her with a shotgun at point blank range. just kidding. he forgives her, and they are one big barfy happy family.

moral of the story: a bitchy seven-year-old who has lost her mother probably killed her. take caution.

25

yes, I am 25 today. so aside from the feeling older than dirt and completely unaccomplished, I am just fifty shades of bummed out.

however, yesterday I ganked a good 75% of my childhood book collection from my mom’s house, so I will have plenty o’updates in coming days/weeks/whatever. yay.

Gordy might win, or As Ever, Gordy

Gordy can’t fucking win.

he comes to Grandville, overcomes ohsomuch adversity, and finally feels like he belongs, when all of a sudden, bam. Awesome McGrandma kicks the bucket, and it’s back to College Hill for June and him. Justifiably, he suffers a crazy panic attack at the thought of going back, and gets fifty shades of pissed at Donny for only caring about the massive inheritance. but it’s settled: June and Gordy are going to live with Stu, Barbara, and Barbara’s son Brent in a dinky apartment in good ol’ Maryland.

he has to deal with Lizard and Magpie being weird (they are fourteen-year-old girls; of course they are weird,) Brent is a two-year-old demon child, Stuart and Barbara are obsessed with school, and Gordy is fed up with everything again. he fights with Elizabeth’s boyfriend constantly, he has a super crush on her (the enemy!), and he has finally realized Toad and Doug are fucking morons who blame the stupid crap they do on him. All Barbara wants is a nice house for her family, and for everyone to get along. these are Smiths, honey, it’s not going to happen.

I do like when Gordy plants a big, fat kiss on Elizabeth and she socks him. fab-u-lous.

there is this old, crochety professor who has a big yard that all of the kids cut through on their sleds, and he gets ridiculously pissed off when they do it. of course, Gordy gets caught, and Barbara laughs and explains that they’ve been doing that since she was a girl. adults were children once? surely you jest. Elizabeth’s father, the sheriff if I recall, picks Gordy up and takes him home. what is hilarious is that Gordy thinks that Elizabeth’s whole family talks shit about him at the dinner table, and her father is like “no, we can’t get her to stfu about you, actually.” CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!

this is all out of order, I think, because I have had vino. some highlights:

- Gordy steals the Carousel soundtrack for Elizabeth and Margaret and they are honestly disgusted.

- Gordy asks Elizabeth to the Sweetheart Dance. she pretty much tells him to sit & spin.

-  at the dance, her boyfriend goads Gordy into a fight and then knocks the shit out of him. Elizabeth is totally not impressed and writes a letter to the principal explaining what happened, which (in a way) keeps Gordy out of more trouble

- Margaret is now eighty-three feet tall and frightening

- Brent calls Gordy “Yuncle Poopoo;” Elizabeth calls him “GAS”

- Gordy and William are still bffs and communicate through the mail

while Gordy is serving out his punishment for the professor, Elizabeth walks by,  and the creepy old fart whistles at her. grosssssssssss. but  Gordo runs after her, and they actually have a conversation not filled with insults. then he invites her to a movie and she says yes! wow! amazing! things are looking decent for him, and he’s run out of batshit/elderly relatives. he might actually be okay now.

suggestion:

I highly recommend that you buy/download the Looney Tunes Golden Collection DVDs.

if only to watch Duck Dodgers of the 24th and 1/2 Century over.. and over.. and over.

one big frowny pile of :( – or, Stepping on the Cracks

I finally found it. I am stuffed full of wine and turkey goodness and might just explode in a minute, too. therefore – this is quite abridged.

okay, backstory: this book, and the Gordy books take place in College Hill, Maryland, which is basically College Park in the 1940s. each of the books are set about a year apart, and Stepping on the Cracks is the first one.

we start on one of those fabulous Maryland days where it is hot and humid as fuck and most normal people are inside. but, it’s 1940-something and Margaret and her bff Elizabeth are outside playing an endless game of Monopoly.  they get bored and do the “stepping on a crack” thing, except they WANT to step on a crack to break Hitler’s back. Margaret waxes nostalgic about having her brother and Elizabeth’s brother off fighting, and explains the difference between a blue star (alive!) and a gold one (dead!)

the girls hate Gordy; Gordy hates the girls. he terrorizes them and calls them Lizard and Magpie, respectively, with his douchey friends Toad and Doug. Elizabeth is a spitfire, and Margaret is a pussy. that’s pretty much the basis of everything. to recap: Elizabeth is Jessica Wakefield. Margaret is Elizabeth Wakefield without the sainthood.

Margaret’s parents have paid no attention to her whatsoever since her brother, Jimmy, was deployed. Her dad sits in front of the TV/drinks all the time and her mom is in la la land. Margaret thinks that Jimmy will come home, and everything will be back to normal. I pity her.

Gordy terrorizes the girls again, and destroys their treehouse – Margaret is screaming bloody murder from  A TREE IN HER OWN YARD and her mother doesn’t hear her. Elizabeth vows revenge,  and follows the boys into the ~forbidden woods~ across the train tracks, where the crazy man lives.

Gordy and his butt buddies have built some ridiculous hut in there, and “play war.” They also do the guy thing and brag about how awesome their family members are, by comparing how many Nazis they have destroyed. oh, and gratuitous pinup girl references abound here, as well. the girls are found, the boys chase them, and Margaret sees the crazy man. but wait.. is he a crazy man?

we find out more about College Hill people: Donny and Stu, Gordy’s brothers who are off at war. Barbara, Stu’s good friend, who lost her husband in the war. Gordy does not like to discuss Stu. oh, for fuck’s sake. Stu is the crazy man. he deserted, and Gordy is hiding him in the woods to keep him safe from ABUSIVE BASTARD FATHER. Margaret and Elizabeth are the only people who know this outside of Gordy’s dopey buddies, so of course – they blackmail him with this scandalous information to get a new treehouse. priorities, ladies. priorities.

Stu gets sick, and Gordy freaks. the kids all take turns skipping school to help him, but there’s nothing they can do and he obviously needs medical attention. cue Barbara. let’s ask the lady whose husband was killed in the war to assist a deserter, shall we? but, she helps. she takes him to a doctor and lets him crash at her parents’ house while he recovers. meanwhile, Gordy is getting the shit knocked out of him at home,  and Stu is catching on (since Gordy hasn’t been to see him in a while.) Margaret kind of lets it slip – and idiot Stu decides to face his father, Skywalker-style.

in other news, Margaret’s brother is killed in action. she comes home from HELPING A DESERTER to her parents reading a telegram. I will admit, I cry like a baby every time I read this. she cries, the parents are numb, and it doesn’t really hit her that it’s real until Elizabeth and Gordy give her condolences. what’s that? a budding friendship with Gordy? hmm.

Stu goes home to face Darth Vader. I mean, his father. predictably, he gets the shit kicked out of him, to the point where he loses most of his hearing and the army finds out he deserted. Barbara rushes off to the hospital to see him, and Gordy thanks the girls for helping him. Margaret goes home, and her mother knows Stu deserted. uh… oh. she asks Margaret if she knew, and – like any dumb twelve-year-old girl would have done – she is indignant and proud of helping him. she goes so far as to say she wished her brother had deserted. incoming slap from Mom. so what if Stu is a special snowflake? every soldier is. and I hate war, especially the current one, but still.

Margaret and Elizabeth are both grounded for life. Gordy and his family move to North Carolina. Stu and Barbara get engaged. and Margaret has reached the special age where there is no black and white, it’s mostly gray and all confusing. (Following My Own Footsteps is the second one, by the way.)