This book seriously was like, written for me. I’m a nerdy English major-type and I had no experience with guys when I read it, so yeah. I really thought it was written for me. I’m an asshole like that. by the way, I am doing the majority of this from memory because the first 100 pages of this book are somewhere in a box at my mom’s house.
Lauren is a senior in high school. She is not particularly attractive, cool, or anything other than an English geek. Her best friend, Casey, is a skankwhore. We know this because she’s had sex, she has red hair, and she smokes. Skank! anyway Casey has been Lauren’s BFF since Spencer, the Royal Jock Prince of the Dickfaces, ditched her because she’s a goddamn nerd. She works in the library, for Christ’s sake, where she runs into Spencer and his toolshed girlfriend, Vanessa. he tries to make small talk with her, but she ignores him. because she is awesome so far.
Casey invites Lauren to a party, but she says no because it’s her mom’s birthday and she wants to take her out. Lauren’s mom is a skank, too, and has plans to go out with (yet another) random guy. So Lauren says fuck it, and goes to the party in the blouse she bought for her mom. Casey ends up dry-humping this dude in her goddamned Escort, so Lauren starts walking home. I’m familiar with suburban Maryland, honey, don’t fucking walk home at night. Spencer to the rescue – he comes and gets her in his shiny BMW and takes her to McD’s. what a prince! Tallahassee Higgins would love you, Spence. they talk or whatever and form a relationship. HI, HE DITCHED YOU, SOMETHING’S UP. If I were Casey, I would bitchslap Lauren right about now. anyway, Spencer is morphing into an emo kid. he dumps Vanessa and gets all moody and whiny with Lauren. they start dating while Casey is humping Jordan.
Lauren refuses to put out for him at first, because her mom got pregnant at 17 and Lauren is a judgmental prick sometimes. oh, did I mention that she has been basically in love with him since eighth grade? that’s goofy dedication right there. Anyway, Lauren becomes one of the idiot girls who turns into a ditz once they meet someone. oh, big plot point I almost forgot – Spencer is hiding his stupid motorcycle at Lauren’s apartment. He starts ignoring things he used to love (like track) and asks loaded questions in class. Lauren, blinded by love and STUPIDITY, thinks nothing of it other than his parents are putting pressure on him for college. Casey is basically like look, bitch, he needs help. for fuck’s sake, he’s disturbed – he talks about MARRYING HER IF SHE GOT PREGNANT. what kind of normal seventeen-or-eighteen-year-old-does that? obviously he’s messed up (just kidding.) he simulates a suicide. not creepy at all! he interprets a Robert Frost poem as having imagery about death. not difficult at all, but his English teacher is a toolshed. Spencer treats Lauren like shit. Casey AGAIN reminds her that the boy needs help. Spencer and Lauren kiss and make up. He puts on an act for his douchey jock friends, even though it’s bloody obvious that he’s a fucking basket case. His mom gives him shit for cutting school and he gives her shit right back because he’s obviously an emofag. Spencer and Lauren speed off on the Motorcycle of Doom and he talks more suicide. He finally tells her what’s up, that his dad blew his brains out in the basement and he is worried he’s going to do it himself. DING DING DING, INSTABILITY ALERT.. Lauren knows this but fucks him anyway, because nothing stabilizes a depressed person like fluctuating hormones. oh, and reading from a favorite children’s book. wait that’s what I’m doing, nevermind. anyway, lots of vomit-inducing nonsense about love. hee, her mom catches them naked together! she gets all pissed and this does not go over well with either Spencer or Lauren. Spencer gets all emo, and Lauren launches an attack on her slut-mom about how she’s never around because she’s slutting it up, and she doesn’t care, and blahhhhhh. she goes on the pill and dodges all sex questions from Casey, who is one nosy little skank. Spencer freaks out and pulls ye olde “IF YOU STOP LOVING ME I’LL DIE” card, like all sane people do. oh, wait, nevermind, he’s off his fucking rocker. Lauren again reassures him he will never attempt suicide because she is a goddamned moron.
lots of funny between Lauren’s mom and Spencer’s mom involving puppets and a DAMN I’M GOOD! t-shirt. by the way, Spencer is rich and Lauren is poor, obviously. Lauren and Spencer (I feel so DIRTY typing this, like I’m betraying The Hills or something) decide to go on a motorcycle trip to California over the summer. Because they are eighteen and stupid. Anyway, they graduate. Yay! Time for a rich kid graduation party. They drink too much champagne, and Spencer’s mom gets p-i-s-s-e-d, because his bio-dad was an alcoholic when he shot himself. sooooooo mommy dearest doesn’t want to see it happen to Spencer. he flips out and TAKES OFF ON HIS MOTORCYCLE. just what geniuses do after they have been drinking. did I mention that he stole his parents’ car first and blew off Lauren completely? yes, not only is he an idiot, but a dickhead to boot! Lauren goes into emo-mode.
Casey calls and tells Lauren that Spencer got into a wrestling match with a tree, and the tree won. Lauren flips out some more and orders Casey to take her to the hospital, where he is in ICU and she can do jack shit. oh, the signs of a possible suicide attempt are in Lauren’s mind NOW, but where the fuck were they earlier, dopey? Lauren sits on the couch and waits for his parents, and his mom blames the whole thing on her because she’s not from a nice family. bitch, neither is Spencer, so Lauren tells her why he was pissed off in the first place. oh maybe it’s because YOU WON’T ADMIT THAT HIS FATHER KILLED HIMSELF, WENCH! however, yelling at Spencer’s mom has the opposite effect of what she intended and she collapses into an emo puddle. Spencer has a 50/50 shot of living. I have a 50/50 shot of killing Lauren if I ever meet her. Lauren’s mom comes to the hospital to convince her that food, showers, and sleep = good for the body and soul. so she takes her home, and Lauren realizes that Spencer wrote all kinds of nutty, suicidal poetry on her wall. again – how could you fuck someone for months and not know they are nuts? stupid, stupid girl. Lauren has a rage and throws shit all over the place. She goes back to the hospital, contemplating jumping off a bridge on the way there, where nothing changed. Lauren, by way of Spencer’s demon-mom, gets to see him in order to convince him she wasn’t on the Motorcycle of Doom. She has a heartfelt whinefest with Spencer’s mom and it seems that they will tolerate each other. Spencer tells her (gasp! shock! surprise!) that he was thinking suicide when he hit the tree. He’s in the hospital for months, talking about all kinds of fun shit like AIDS babies and the sort. Lauren calls him out on it. They get frisky and the nurse walks in. While relaying the story to Casey, Lauren asks if EmoBoyfriend can move in with them at UM-BC (the hell is wrong with College Park!) Casey says hell no. Spencer gets out of the hospital, and they let his father go once and for all. hooray! Lauren and Spencer are ~in love~. I’m sure that once Lauren discovers hot frat guys who play naked hacky sack in the elevator of Maryland apartments, that will end. Just sayin’.
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