Whiny People Need Love Too, or Love Stories: 24/7

This series was one of the most infuriating things I’ve ever read but it was so, so addictive to thirteen-year-old me.

So in this lovely installment, this girl Dina meets a guy named Matt while she’s skiing. Because all white people go on luxurious ski vacations, you see. They fall in love, because if there’s anything I’ve learned from YA books it is that love happens overnight and it overcomes all odds after about a week or so. And yes, Matt and Dina are IN LUV after a week. Gag me.

After she leaves, she returns home to Boston and her widower dad. Apparently a hurricane has just decimated Beantown or something and they have to move in with Daddy’s girlfriend. And wouldn’t you just know, Matt is her dad’s girlfriend’s son! What are the odds! Matt and Dina drive each other bonkers with all of their typical teenage idiosyncrasies. This book is really, really terrible. Like, even for YA standards it is fucking atrocious and at thirteen I knew it was terrible. Oh, boy, her dad and his mom hooked up and are like the Odd Couple! Everyone’s fighting! What wacky, formulaic adventures will they go on next? Will Matt kiss Dina’s best friend to make her jealous? Of course he will. Will they spend half of the book scheming to break up their parents? Damn right. Will everything work out in the end and drive me to drink with how terrible of a book it is? I’m on my third Jack & diet.

There is absolutely nothing redeemable about any of these boring, cliched characters. The plot is godawful EVEN FOR A YA NOVEL. I feel like I should read some Sweet Valley High to cleanse my palate, it’s that bad.

The best part about these stupid Love Stories books was the “love advice” at the end of them, and is probably the only reason my friend Danielle and I would read them. Case in point:

Dear Jake,
I’m 16, and I live with my older brother, Rick, who’s 25. I’m writing because his girlfriend, Lenni, makes me really uncomfortable. She’s always at our apartment, and the more time I spend around her, the less I like her. She hardly ever speaks, and she’s always shooting me dirty looks. My brother says she’s just shy, but I think she’s a snob.
What I don’t get is why he’s with her. He’s usually so outgoing and lively, but ever since they’ve been together they just hang out listening to music all the time. I consider myself a nice and accepting person, but she’s never responded to any of my attempts to be friends. I mean, she’s not even civil. I hate coming home because I always know she’ll be there, hovering. Should I tell my brother how I feel?
KS, New Brunswick, NJ

Jake’s response sucked, so here’s mine.

Dearest KS,
Your brother is getting high and getting laid. It’s pretty common among 25-year-olds who have to deal with bratty, nosy 16-year-old sisters horning in on their love lives. Perhaps if you got surgery to remove the stick from your ass, things would improve! Hope this helps.
xoxo,
KM, Houston, TX.

in the works

okay I am working on Doll in the Garden (as promised! if that girl still even holds out hope of me updating) and there are a few others I would like to do:

- some of the Love Stories series, particularly “Hot Summer Nights”
- some of the Pizza Paradise series
- some of the Freshman Dorm series
- the Summer series, which is TOTALLY SITTING ON MY DESK AT HOME IN HOUSTON RIGHT NOW!

there are a few more but I really, really want to do those because they are awesomely bad and snarkworthy! Anyway I’ll be paying a lot more attention to this because I miss reading YA books for fun and there’s honestly only so much history I can read in a year.