this is one of the books that my eighth-grade English teacher hid in the back and made your parents sign a release for you to read. however, my teacher (Mrs. Baltazar) was fucking amazing and said that I could read it because I could “handle it.” Handle it? Ooooh, this one had to be good. An aside: since I first read this, they’ve edited some of the more lolz-worthy parts of it to be more progressive for the 21st century.
so, like any good YA novel from my youth, this one starts off with an explanation of a smart fattie named Sybil who gets laid a lot. Sybil throws a party for New Year’s and invites her cousin, Erica, and our virginal protagonist, Katherine. Katherine meets Michael (a ginger!) at the party, who wipes fondue goo off of her face like any good man would. Michael has a girlfriend, or so it seems, and Erica totally calls Katherine out on wanting to get in his pants. The next day, Katherine grills fattieslut Sybil for information about her ginger lover Michael. Sexual innuendos abound! It’s revealed that Michael asked for Katherine’s phone number and she gets all antsy about it like a stupid bitch. Michael comes over to get his records that he conveniently left over at Sybil’s and asks Katherine out. Hooray for boring seventies teen crap!
Katherine and Michael “go out” and have some of the world’s most boring fucking conversation. Ginger Mike drops some ridiculously awkward sexual innuendos The day goes on and he ASKS if he can kiss her. Awwwww how sweet. I might vomit. So he kisses her and tells her she’s delicious. She creams her panties and that’s that. She goes home and we meet her brainiac sister, Jamie, who calls her out on not knowing what “love” is. Katherine in essence tells her to mind her own fucking business. Uh oh, looks like Katherine broke up with someone because he wanted her to put out!
Ginger Mike calls and makes this really gross comparison between his schnauzer and a teenage girl. Seriously, awkward. He flirts with K some more and drops MORE retardo sexual innuendos and then asks her out again. He swings by her house on Friday and meets her whole family. okay, wow, my boyfriend of four years has only hung out with my ENTIRE family once, and it was a disaster involving beer spillage on my dad and my brother’s drunken (now ex) girlfriend. I give Ginger Mike some props here. Jamie shows off unintentionally and K gets jealous. Um, hi, Katherine, the girl is like twelve. Shut it. They go on their lame-o date and end up making out in K’s living room. He gets frisky and she says noooooooooo. Then she has some sort of epiphany that she sort of, kind of, but not really wants him to do her. Ah, I don’t miss being at that age at all.
Katherine’s grandma is an activist who is totally involved with Planned Parenthood. In the 1970s. How fucking cool is that?
Katherine, Erica, Ginger Mike, and Ginger Mike’s hetero(?) lifemate Artie all have some sort of double date game night. They send the two other people out for pizza and get it on without penetration (to GM’s dismay,) although there is definite boob-touchage! This was total wank material when I was fourteen. Ginger Mike takes a breather, collects Artie, and leaves. Katherine and Erica have a mind-numbing conversation about love vs. sex and how the two are/are not mutually exclusive. It’s a precursor to Caitlin and Vix from Summer Sisters, methinks.
… incredibly pointless plot-thickening family crap here… oh, and K is in love.
Katherine babysits Jamie. Michael comes over. They have this ridiculous soap-and-water fight while doing the dishes. He shampoos her hair and then stares at her while she changes her shirt, copping a feel from behind. I love this guy, he’s fucking slick. He also comes up with a line I’ve remembered for 11 years now: soft mattresses suck for sex. Jamie comes in after he leaves and asks if they were fucking. Katherine gets bent out of shape and it’s hilarious.
Erica and Artie are totally going nowhere and she is determined to give him a boner if it’s the last thing she does. They go see the school play, and Artie is fucking fab-u-lous. They go to a party at the Elizabeth’s (the girl Michael made out with at Sybil’s party, what the hell?) and Michael pretty much ignores Katherine. It’s quite hilarious. Katherine acts like a total bitch, Michael tries to get in her pants and fails again, and she thinks too damn much about the whole situation.
Ginger Mike invites K to go skiing with his sister and brother-in-law. The helllllll? My parents would react like hers and probably laugh at me. hell to the fuck no. but by the grace of god, she somehow gets to go. Of course, before she goes, her daddy gives her the obligatory embarrassing-dad-sex-talk.
Off to ski-land they go! However, all sexings of the penetrable kind are thwarted because Omega Red showed up a week early. After describing THE most hideous nightgown I’ve ever imagined, Katherine goes into Michael’s room and they dry hump. The next morning, Ginger Mike’s sister reads Katherine the riot act and is like RAWR DO NOT HURT MY BROTHER. Calm down, dingbat. Katherine and Michael go skiing and she busts ass off a ski lift. Been there, done that. They go home, Katherine takes a hot bath and a nap. Ginger Mike wakes her up for din din and then they go for a walk.. coming back to his sister and brother-in-law smoking pot! ooh, wow. then it’s time for a quick handjob before bed – btw, Ginger Mike named his junk “Ralph.” Good to know. And now they’re in love! Forever!
Katherine’s dad expected them to break up while in Vermont. What a dumbass. Erica and Artie still haven’t gotten it on. Ginger Mike goes skiing for ten whole days without Katherine because he’s working towards being a ski instructor, and the bitch mopes around the house the whole time. He comes back early, Katherine cracks a horrible joke about VD and he gets pissed because he’s had it before. GOOD ONE, DUMBASS. obviously this leads to some finger play and it is scandalous. the next night is !!! THE NIGHT !!! except for that pesky premature ejaculation. so they go out for a while and try again – Katherine is totally not impressed with her first time.
Katherine and Erica go to NYC to see “the new Robert Redford picture.” That could be anything, so whatever. she calls up her grandma in NYC and makes lunch plans with her and conveniently stops at Planned Parenthood to get OMGTHEPILL. she takes a gonorrhea culture and says she couldn’t possibly have a VD. have you had sex? yes? then shut up. she goes home to Jersey and Michael’s got the flu. hey, so does she in a couple of days. better than gonorrhea, in my opinion. he brings her this cheesy ass locked that has her name on one side and “.. forever, Michael” on the other. oh, vomit. how many high school romances last? seriously? 1 in 100? for fuck’s sake. she cries like a baby. they go to his house and hump like rabbits on Friday.
Jamie is “in love” and Sybil is knocked up. Sybil has NO CLUE who the father is. it’s a fattieslut stereotype that has transcended the ages, I swear. The kids get their acceptance letters to various good colleges (of course!) Katherine’s dad drops a bomb that she made a promise to have her be a tennis instructor at Jamie’s camp all summer ! Gasp! Weeks away from Ginger Mike’s peen! anyway now she has to tell him. they throw a graduation party, and Artie acts like a fucking emo putz. oh hey guess what, it doesn’t matter that Katherine will be at camp in New Hampshire all summer, because Michael will be in North Carolina! wow what a coincidence. and oh, there’s a bit of impotence here too. poor Michael just can’t get Ralph up. Artie and Erica break up because he is a psycho. he locked himself in the bathroom and threatened suicide. then, he actually ATTEMPTS suicide and is promptly thrown in the nut hut. everyone blames themselves because they’re angsty teenage idiots. everyone gets drunk and stupid, and Katherine’s parents save the day (this is when Jersey kids could drive into New York to drink! my mom told me about those good old days..)
they skip prom and graduate. YAWN. Sybil has a daughter that she puts up for adoption. like a true fattieslut, she vows to not give up sex but to go on better birth control. Katherine and Michael do it with her on top. Rebellious! then they do it on the beach. Scandalous!
Katherine leaves for camp and is diligent about writing Michael and Erica because she is a boring, boring person. But I’ll give her credit for falling for Theo, a hot dude who’s a senior at Northwestern. Her grandpa dies and she projects her total batshit onto Theo, who rejects her. Anyway Michael comes up from wherever the hell he is (who cares?) and he tries to get in her pants but she’s like OH WAIT I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE. so, like a mature person, he screams at her and claims that he’s fucked his way around the great state of North Carolina. beautiful! anyway he’s batshit and a ginger, so he never mattered in the first place. yay Theo! she sees Michael one more time and it’s kind of surreal. FORGET ABOUT HIM. jesus christ. first loves suck, I know this firsthand.
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