being naive is fun! OR, The Wind Blows Backwards

This book seriously was like, written for me. I’m a nerdy English major-type and I had no experience with guys when I read it, so yeah. I really thought it was written for me. I’m an asshole like that. by the way, I am doing the majority of this from memory because the first 100 pages of this book are somewhere in a box at my mom’s house.

Lauren is a senior in high school. She is not particularly attractive, cool, or anything other than an English geek.  Her best friend, Casey, is a skankwhore. We know this because she’s had sex, she has red hair, and she smokes. Skank!  anyway Casey has been Lauren’s BFF since Spencer, the Royal Jock Prince of the Dickfaces, ditched her because she’s a goddamn nerd. She works in the library, for Christ’s sake, where she runs into Spencer and his toolshed girlfriend, Vanessa. he tries to make small talk with her, but she ignores him. because she is awesome so far.

Casey invites Lauren to a party, but she says no because it’s her mom’s birthday and she wants to take her out. Lauren’s mom is a skank, too, and has plans to go out with (yet another) random guy. So Lauren says fuck it, and goes to the party in the blouse she bought for her mom. Casey ends up dry-humping this dude in her goddamned Escort, so Lauren starts walking home.  I’m familiar with suburban Maryland, honey, don’t fucking walk home at night. Spencer to the rescue – he comes and gets her in his shiny BMW and takes her to McD’s. what a prince! Tallahassee Higgins would love you, Spence. they talk or whatever and form a relationship. HI, HE DITCHED YOU, SOMETHING’S UP. If I were Casey, I would bitchslap Lauren right about now.  anyway, Spencer is morphing into an emo kid. he dumps Vanessa and gets all moody and whiny with Lauren. they start dating while Casey is humping Jordan.

Lauren refuses to put out for him at first, because her mom got pregnant at 17 and Lauren is a judgmental prick sometimes. oh, did I mention that she has been basically in love with him since eighth grade? that’s goofy dedication right there. Anyway, Lauren becomes one of the idiot girls who turns into a ditz once they meet someone. oh, big plot point I almost forgot – Spencer is hiding his stupid motorcycle at Lauren’s apartment. He starts ignoring things he used to love (like track) and asks loaded questions in class. Lauren, blinded by love and STUPIDITY, thinks nothing of it other than his parents are putting pressure on him for college. Casey is basically like look, bitch, he needs help. for fuck’s sake, he’s disturbed – he talks about MARRYING HER IF SHE GOT PREGNANT. what kind of normal seventeen-or-eighteen-year-old-does that? obviously he’s messed up (just kidding.)  he simulates a suicide. not creepy at all!  he interprets a Robert Frost poem as having imagery about death. not difficult at all, but his English teacher is a toolshed. Spencer treats Lauren like shit. Casey AGAIN reminds her that the boy needs help. Spencer and Lauren kiss and make up. He puts on an act for his douchey jock friends, even though it’s bloody obvious that he’s a fucking basket case. His mom gives him shit for cutting school and he gives her shit right back because he’s obviously an emofag. Spencer and Lauren speed off on the Motorcycle of Doom and he talks more suicide. He finally tells her what’s up, that his dad blew his brains out in the basement and he is worried he’s going to do it himself. DING DING DING, INSTABILITY ALERT.. Lauren knows this but fucks him anyway, because nothing stabilizes a depressed person like fluctuating hormones.  oh, and reading from a favorite children’s book. wait that’s what I’m doing, nevermind. anyway, lots of vomit-inducing nonsense about love. hee, her mom catches them naked together! she gets all pissed and this does not go over well with either Spencer or Lauren. Spencer gets all emo, and Lauren launches an attack on her slut-mom about how she’s never around because she’s slutting it up, and she doesn’t care, and blahhhhhh. she goes on the pill and dodges all sex questions from Casey, who is one nosy little skank. Spencer freaks out and pulls ye olde “IF YOU STOP LOVING ME I’LL DIE” card, like all sane people do. oh, wait, nevermind, he’s off his fucking rocker. Lauren again reassures him he will never attempt suicide because she is a goddamned moron.

lots of funny between Lauren’s mom and Spencer’s mom involving puppets and a DAMN I’M GOOD! t-shirt. by the way, Spencer is rich and Lauren is poor, obviously. Lauren and Spencer (I feel so DIRTY typing this, like I’m betraying The Hills or something) decide to go on a motorcycle trip to California over the summer. Because they are eighteen and stupid. Anyway, they graduate. Yay! Time for a rich kid graduation party. They drink too much champagne, and Spencer’s mom gets p-i-s-s-e-d, because his bio-dad was an alcoholic when he shot himself. sooooooo mommy dearest doesn’t want to see it happen to Spencer. he flips out and TAKES OFF ON HIS MOTORCYCLE. just what geniuses do after they have been drinking. did I mention that he stole his parents’ car first and blew off Lauren completely? yes, not only is he an idiot, but a dickhead to boot!  Lauren goes into emo-mode.

Casey calls and tells Lauren that Spencer got into a wrestling match with a tree, and the tree won.  Lauren flips out some more and orders Casey to take her to the hospital, where he is in ICU and she can do jack shit. oh, the signs of a possible suicide attempt are in Lauren’s mind NOW, but where the fuck were they earlier, dopey? Lauren sits on the couch and waits for his parents, and his mom blames the whole thing on her because she’s not from a nice family. bitch, neither is Spencer, so Lauren tells her why he was pissed off in the first place. oh maybe it’s because YOU WON’T ADMIT THAT HIS FATHER KILLED HIMSELF, WENCH! however, yelling at Spencer’s mom has the opposite effect of what she intended and she collapses into an emo puddle. Spencer has a 50/50 shot of living. I have a 50/50 shot of killing Lauren if I ever meet her. Lauren’s mom comes to the hospital to convince her that food, showers, and sleep = good for the body and soul. so she takes her home, and Lauren realizes that Spencer wrote all kinds of nutty, suicidal poetry on her wall. again – how could you fuck someone for months and not know they are nuts? stupid, stupid girl. Lauren has a rage and throws shit all over the place. She goes back to the hospital, contemplating jumping off a bridge on the way there, where nothing changed. Lauren, by way of Spencer’s demon-mom, gets to see him in order to convince him she wasn’t on the Motorcycle of Doom. She has a heartfelt whinefest with Spencer’s mom and it seems that they will tolerate each other. Spencer tells her (gasp! shock! surprise!) that he was thinking suicide when he hit the tree. He’s in the hospital for months, talking about all kinds of fun shit like AIDS babies and the sort. Lauren calls him out on it. They get frisky and the nurse walks in. While relaying the story to Casey, Lauren asks if EmoBoyfriend can move in with them at UM-BC (the hell is wrong with College Park!) Casey says hell no. Spencer gets out of the hospital, and they let his father go once and for all. hooray! Lauren and Spencer are ~in love~. I’m sure that once Lauren discovers hot frat guys who play naked hacky sack in the elevator of Maryland apartments, that will end. Just sayin’.

the book I hid from my mom OR Forever

this is one of the books that my eighth-grade English teacher hid in the back and made your parents sign a release for you to read. however, my teacher (Mrs. Baltazar) was fucking amazing and said that I could read it because I could “handle it.” Handle it? Ooooh, this one had to be good. An aside: since I first read this, they’ve edited some of the more lolz-worthy parts of it to be more progressive for the 21st century.

so, like any good YA novel from my youth, this one starts off with an explanation of a smart fattie named Sybil who gets laid a lot. Sybil throws a party for New Year’s and invites her cousin, Erica, and our virginal protagonist, Katherine. Katherine meets Michael (a ginger!) at the party, who wipes fondue goo off of her face like any good man would. Michael has a girlfriend, or so it seems, and Erica totally calls Katherine out on wanting to get in his pants. The next day, Katherine grills fattieslut Sybil for information about her ginger lover Michael. Sexual innuendos abound! It’s revealed that Michael asked for Katherine’s phone number and she gets all antsy about it like a stupid bitch. Michael comes over to get his records that he conveniently left over at Sybil’s and asks Katherine out. Hooray for boring seventies teen crap!

Katherine and Michael “go out” and have some of the world’s most boring fucking conversation. Ginger Mike drops some ridiculously awkward sexual innuendos The day goes on and he ASKS if he can kiss her. Awwwww how sweet. I might vomit. So he kisses her and tells her she’s delicious. She creams her panties and that’s that. She goes home and we meet her brainiac sister, Jamie, who calls her out on not knowing what “love” is. Katherine in essence tells her to mind her own fucking business. Uh oh, looks like Katherine broke up with someone because he wanted her to put out!

Ginger Mike calls and makes this really gross comparison between his schnauzer and a teenage girl. Seriously, awkward. He flirts with K some more and drops MORE retardo sexual innuendos and then asks her out again. He swings by her house on Friday and meets her whole family. okay, wow, my boyfriend of four years has only hung out with my ENTIRE family once, and it was a disaster involving beer spillage on my dad and my brother’s drunken (now ex) girlfriend. I give Ginger Mike some props here. Jamie shows off unintentionally and K gets jealous. Um, hi, Katherine, the girl is like twelve. Shut it. They go on their lame-o date and end up making out in K’s living room. He gets frisky and she says noooooooooo. Then she has some sort of epiphany that she sort of, kind of, but not really wants him to do her. Ah, I don’t miss being at that age at all.

Katherine’s grandma is an activist who is totally involved with Planned Parenthood. In the 1970s. How fucking cool is that?

Katherine, Erica, Ginger Mike, and Ginger Mike’s hetero(?) lifemate Artie all have some sort of double date game night. They send the two other people out for pizza and get it on without penetration (to GM’s dismay,) although there is definite boob-touchage! This was total wank material when I was fourteen. Ginger Mike takes a breather, collects Artie, and leaves. Katherine and Erica have a mind-numbing conversation about love vs. sex and how the two are/are not mutually exclusive. It’s a precursor to Caitlin and Vix from Summer Sisters, methinks.

… incredibly pointless plot-thickening family crap here… oh, and K is in love.

Katherine babysits Jamie. Michael comes over. They have this ridiculous soap-and-water fight while doing the dishes. He shampoos her hair and then stares at her while she changes her shirt, copping a feel from behind. I love this guy, he’s fucking slick. He also comes up with a line I’ve remembered for 11 years now: soft mattresses suck for sex. Jamie comes in after he leaves and asks if they were fucking. Katherine gets bent out of shape and it’s hilarious.

Erica and Artie are totally going nowhere and she is determined to give him a boner if it’s the last thing she does. They go see the school play, and Artie is fucking fab-u-lous. They go to a party at the Elizabeth’s (the girl Michael made out with at Sybil’s party, what the hell?) and Michael pretty much ignores Katherine. It’s quite hilarious. Katherine acts like a total bitch, Michael tries to get in her pants and fails again, and she thinks too damn much about the whole situation.

Ginger Mike invites K to go skiing with his sister and brother-in-law. The helllllll? My parents would react like hers and probably laugh at me. hell to the fuck no. but by the grace of god, she somehow gets to go. Of course, before she goes, her daddy gives her the obligatory embarrassing-dad-sex-talk.

Off to ski-land they go! However, all sexings of the penetrable kind are thwarted because Omega Red showed up a week early. After describing THE most hideous nightgown I’ve ever imagined, Katherine goes into Michael’s room and they dry hump. The next morning, Ginger Mike’s sister reads Katherine the riot act and is like RAWR DO NOT HURT MY BROTHER. Calm down, dingbat. Katherine and Michael go skiing and she busts ass off a ski lift. Been there, done that. They go home, Katherine takes a hot bath and a nap. Ginger Mike wakes her up for din din and then they go for a walk.. coming back to his sister and brother-in-law smoking pot! ooh, wow. then it’s time for a quick handjob before bed – btw, Ginger Mike named his junk “Ralph.” Good to know. And now they’re in love! Forever!

Katherine’s dad expected them to break up while in Vermont. What a dumbass. Erica and Artie still haven’t gotten it on. Ginger Mike goes skiing for ten whole days without Katherine because he’s working towards being a ski instructor, and the bitch mopes around the house the whole time. He comes back early, Katherine cracks a horrible joke about VD and he gets pissed because he’s had it before. GOOD ONE, DUMBASS. obviously this leads to some finger play and it is scandalous. the next night is !!! THE NIGHT !!! except for that pesky premature ejaculation. so they go out for a while and try again – Katherine is totally not impressed with her first time.

Katherine and Erica go to NYC to see “the new Robert Redford picture.” That could be anything, so whatever. she calls up her grandma in NYC and makes lunch plans with her and conveniently stops at Planned Parenthood to get OMGTHEPILL. she takes a gonorrhea culture and says she couldn’t possibly have a VD. have you had sex? yes? then shut up. she goes home to Jersey and Michael’s got the flu. hey, so does she in a couple of days. better than gonorrhea, in my opinion. he brings her this cheesy ass locked that has her name on one side and “.. forever, Michael” on the other. oh, vomit. how many high school romances last? seriously? 1 in 100? for fuck’s sake. she cries like a baby. they go to his house and hump like rabbits on Friday.

Jamie is “in love” and Sybil is knocked up. Sybil has NO CLUE who the father is. it’s a fattieslut stereotype that has transcended the ages, I swear. The kids get their acceptance letters to various good colleges (of course!) Katherine’s dad drops a bomb that she made a promise to have her be a tennis instructor at Jamie’s camp all summer ! Gasp! Weeks away from Ginger Mike’s peen! anyway now she has to tell him. they throw a graduation party, and Artie acts like a fucking emo putz. oh hey guess what, it doesn’t matter that Katherine will be at camp in New Hampshire all summer, because Michael will be in North Carolina! wow what a coincidence. and oh, there’s a bit of impotence here too. poor Michael just can’t get Ralph up. Artie and Erica break up because he is a psycho. he locked himself in the bathroom and threatened suicide. then, he actually ATTEMPTS suicide and is promptly thrown in the nut hut. everyone blames themselves because they’re angsty teenage idiots. everyone gets drunk and stupid, and Katherine’s parents save the day (this is when Jersey kids could drive into New York to drink! my mom told me about those good old days..)

they skip prom and graduate. YAWN. Sybil has a daughter that she puts up for adoption. like a true fattieslut, she vows to not give up sex but to go on better birth control. Katherine and Michael do it with her on top. Rebellious! then they do it on the beach. Scandalous!

Katherine leaves for camp and is diligent about writing Michael and Erica because she is a boring, boring person. But I’ll give her credit for falling for Theo, a hot dude who’s a senior at Northwestern. Her grandpa dies and she projects her total batshit onto Theo, who rejects her. Anyway Michael comes up from wherever the hell he is (who cares?) and he tries to get in her pants but she’s like OH WAIT I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE. so, like a mature person, he screams at her and claims that he’s fucked his way around the great state of North Carolina. beautiful! anyway he’s batshit and a ginger, so he never mattered in the first place. yay Theo! she sees Michael one more time and it’s kind of surreal. FORGET ABOUT HIM. jesus christ. first loves suck, I know this firsthand.